Happiness Isn’t..

Happiness isn’t something tangible. It isn’t something that once you have you’ll be able to hold onto it forever and since you know what being happy feels like, you’ll be able to turn it on and off whenever you please. Sure, I’ve been happy at points in my life. Maybe I was happy when I got what I wanted for my birthday or maybe when I was accepted into my dream college. That happiness in those moments are the times that I reflect back on now and think, “I wish I could be as happy as I was when I was laying on the beach in Mexico” or “why can’t I always feel the way I did when my parents surprised me with my first car?” These moments are fleeting, short-lived. This happiness can be compared to a drug- a short lasting burst of a feeling that you wish you could hold onto for longer, but that isn’t the case. These moments are not the ultimate cause of that long-sought-after happiness that every young adult seems to be yearning to get ahold of these days. I’ve seen countless articles on different popular websites explaining “why generation Y isn’t happy” or “10 ways that you can increase your happiness,” but the fact of the matter is that there is no step-by-step plan to be happy. You don’t get the satisfaction of following directions and immediately feeling like a new, born-again person. There is no formula that you can use to subtract all the negative influences out of your life and add in optimistic thinking and bam- happy! That’s just not how it works.

Happiness isn’t a goal, it’s a result of a lifestyle. Pretending to be positive and forcing yourself to have an overly-cheery, fake attitude isn’t the way to go about it. I’ve heard from multiple therapists and many others time and time again that if you just try to be happy for long enough, eventually it will come to you. Practice makes perfect, right? However, I believe differently. Yes, I do trust that thinking on the bright side about more situations and trying to make the best of bad experiences is helpful in improving your mood on a daily basis, but again, this isn’t going to cause that perma-happiness.

People always have a goal or an idea of when they think they are going to FINALLY be content with life. If only they were skinnier, prettier, stronger, smarter, tanner, better at this or that. If he had just gotten an A on his last paper then he would have been okay. If she only had a boyfriend then all of her problems would go away and he would be the love of their life and they would live happily ever after. The “if this” and “if that” attitude is the downfall to those in pursuit of happiness. Because when this moment finally occurs, the fantasy you have dreamed about, is that really ever the end-all be-all for anyone? Does making that goal weight or getting that good grade finally allow you to reach enlightenment and cure your constant dissatisfaction with your life? Never. It is in our nature never to be satisfied with what we have at a particular moment because there is always something better or someone who has more than you. We can never be happy with having the iPhone 5 because soon people will have the iPhone 6 and that is just so much better than the one that we have. You will rarely hear someone reach a goal and be satisfied. There is always a next step, a next level that we want to reach and THEN maybe we will be happy. We could always do better. Basing your happiness off of material items, singular life events, or other people isn’t going to work.

So you’re probably thinking by now that this is just a really cynical post about how every way that people think they are going to possibly find happiness- they’re wrong. In a way, you’re correct. I do think that there are multiple ways to find short-lived, fleeting moments of happiness based on the popular beliefs that most people read about. My biggest piece of advice that I can give to you is don’t make happiness the goal. In fact, don’t even make a goal. The only way that you will ever be able to experience feelings of true joy is by being yourself, discovering yourself and living authentically. We live in a world filled with constant influences to be superficial- idealized models, advertised ways to impress boys, a constant need for approval from our peers so that we can fit in with the cool kids. This pseudo-perfectness is the detriment to our generation. No matter how great someone makes their life look on social media, how successful they are in school or in their career or how many boys are interested in them, that doesn’t make them happy. If you aren’t being yourself and embracing who you really are, you cannot be happy.

So take a stand against society and discover yourself. Do things alone and really think about how you feel about your current interests. Walk around and listen to music that you like and just embrace the world around you. Tell people how you really feel about things, embrace your true opinions and don’t be afraid to disagree with the popular norm. Do the things that you want to do and not just the things that will make your friends envious. Live for yourself and not for others. Make peace with yourself and your body and accept yourself. Find a balance between work and play, eating and exercising, loving others and loving you. Take the focus off of how others perceive you and shift it to how you feel about yourself. Be open to new experiences and gaze with undimmed eyes on all darkness. Only then, will you find yourself and the bit of happiness that comes along with just being you.

Live in Gray

“What I still hadn’t realized, and it took me until this past winter to truly understand, was that I needed balance. I wasn’t the type of person that could be happy with either extreme; I am not carefree, spontaneous, or crazy. I love plans and lists and schedules, love going to the gym early in the morning when the world is quiet and I can lose myself with my aching muscles and pouring sweat. I like going on walks alone, and sitting outside in the calm, cool summer nights when the world is asleep and talking for hours with one other person beside me. I like feeing that comfortable closeness of companionship, and I don’t need a whole lot more. I like staying at home and hanging out with a few close friends, I really like going to work, and I like to read and write alone in the quiet of my bedroom, door shut and at peace with the world. I needed that combination of mental sanity and still being myself, some lesser version of the obsessive, restrictive person I’d been in [years passed.] I realized that that was, in fact, truly who I was then, just an exaggerated and unhappy version. I wanted to be that person, in the complicated balancing act of poise and happiness.” – McKenzie Maxson

I have never been good at moderation. I am an extremely black and white, go-to-extremes kind of person which plays a key role in my extremely dedicated, determined and hard-working attitude. I do everything that I do whole-heartedly and do not stop until it is perfect in my eyes. However, living your life constantly viewing yourself as a project that can always be improved and your body as something that is never good enough is no way to go through life. My work ethic has always been something that I pride myself on- never stopping until I am satisfied. But the issue arose when I was never satisfied. I have tried to be so many different extreme personalities, waiting to see when I was going to have that epiphany and feeling of happiness when I finally discovered the right niche. But over these last few months I’ve realized that I am not an extreme. My life is a big, vast, gray area and that’s okay. Just because I like to be alone doesn’t mean I can’t interact with people. Just because I don’t enjoy partying and drinking all the time doesn’t mean I have to declare myself as “sober.” And just because I am interested in lifting weights and eating healthy doesn’t mean that I have to look like a fitness model. I am allowed to be an “in-between” and when I can embrace the fact that I am not defined strictly by labels, I can discover what I really enjoy.

I truly believe in the saying “what we think, we become” in the sense that our mindsets truly define us as people. If we think in ways that are black and white and label things as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong” and do not allow for any middle ground, we will never find the sense of balance or moderation that will bring us to our inner peace. The different shades of gray are what make us unique as individuals and without those different shades, there would be no individuality. In the past, I always wanted to blend in with the crowd and conform to society’s norms so that I would not be labeled as “weird” or “different.” I never wanted to be confronted about my interests or hobbies for a fear that I would be viewed as a failure. Advice: don’t fear failure. Life begins at the end of our comfort zone and there is no progress without first taking a leap of faith. Believe in yourself and embrace who you are because if you don’t, you’ll lose your true essence of being.

Don’t be afraid to explore the gray area, you just might like it there.

Find Yourself and Others Will Find You

“If one more person told me to go love myself I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves on them…” — What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

This quote immediately captured my attention while reading one of the typical “trying to find myself” articles I find my head buried into while trying to pass the time. I have heard so much about self-love and learning to love your body and blah blah blah that I really thought that this whole movement was something I was never going to be able to be a part of because I didn’t know how to just begin to love myself. I have tried waking up every morning and looking in the mirror and doing the whole “today is going to be great. I love myself and my body” thing but words are meaningless if the thoughts aren’t behind them. However, as I have recently experienced a few more “ups” in my typical ups and downs than usual I have gotten small tastes of what happiness is really like. I could sometimes wake up and not have to force myself to make the day a good one, because it just would be. Nothing drastically was different in my life but I had about a span of 3 weeks when I was truly happy. I was content with my life and was in a significantly better mood, noticeable to mostly everyone around me. Although this period did not last forever, and I have beaten myself up over “losing” the feeling, I realize now that happiness is not an eternal state. 

I have never viewed myself as enough. I was always pushing myself to do better or ashamed of the work that I had already completed because it simply was never good enough. There was always someone or something better. I have been hiding behind a mask and doing everything in my power to avoid negative interactions with others, so that I would never have to deal with judgement or criticism from the people around me. I always thought that if I never really valued my work or thought that I had succeeded, then if someone else would demean my accomplishments it wouldn’t hurt as much. Even if I was somewhat proud of myself, I wouldn’t dare express that pride to anyone because of my intense fear of failure and rejection. This was easily one of my biggest mistakes. 

Looking back, I really cannot think of any situations throughout my lifetime where I took ownership over something that I was truly passionate about because I was too concerned with pleasing and living my life for everyone around me. I was so timid in my opinions, rarely expressed my feelings, was terrified of showing weakness, and wouldn’t dare to be “cocky.” Apparently I considered cocky any expression of satisfaction in your own work. Boy, was I wrong. I always pretended that I didn’t like my art or thought I looked ugly in a picture or wasn’t a good athlete because I was scared that if I was confident in something, someone would shoot me down or think that I was full of myself. I didn’t have the ability to just ignore a rude comment or deal with constructive criticism or even cope with the fact that although I wasn’t the best at something, I could still be good, or even great at it. I faked my feelings and opinions so often that I lost sight of my true self and started to actually believe that I was worthless and couldn’t do anything right. This began to spiral out of control.

All of these internalized issues and platforms of thinking have hindered my ability to set up the foundation for self-love. I have always looked to others to try and fulfill this feeling of loss, worthlessness and emptiness in myself but even if I received complements from friends or family, I didn’t accept or believe them. I never found closeness, satisfaction or even feelings in many of my relationships. After having a horrible experience a boy who took away whatever self-worth I had left at that point in my life, told me I was dumb for having emotions, then proceeded to cheat on me and take advantage of the fact that I still cared about him by asking for favors, I detached myself from my feelings. I still sought feelings from others because I thought they were going to be the key to fixing me, but other people do not have that power. You cannot accept love or care from others if you don’t even believe that you deserve it and if you don’t allow yourself to reciprocate those feelings. Self-love is a foundation on which we can have the opportunity to build something great but without creating the ability to lay that foundation down, you cannot start building. I knew I needed to start over.

This summer I have truly been able to identify so many of my issues from the past, stemming from so many incidences, bad experiences, thoughts that have developed into “rules” in my own brain, and ways of thinking that have become normal to me. I have admitted to fears, insecurities, illnesses, and faults that I have been so closed off and protective of in the past. I have learned that by opening up about the feelings I have buried deep inside me, I am learning how to figure out who I really am and how to be more comfortable with that. I can’t live my life trying to please others or worrying about opinions of those surrounding me for fear that they will not accept me. How can I learn to love myself if I don’t even know myself? I am living a life where I am scared to tell the people I call my friends my true ambitions and passions because I am afraid they will think differently or badly of me. What kinds of friends are they really then if they cannot accept me?

Find yourself and others will find you. Whether that is friends, significant others, or just strangers who need someone to talk to, you won’t ever share a true relationship with a person until they can understand you. You need to understand you. Spend time with yourself. Do things alone, not because you want to avoid contact with other people, but because you want to spend time with yourself to get to know your real likes and dislikes. Be present in your body and active in your thoughts. Don’t just do something to pass the time, be in your body and learn to love and appreciate the time you spend alone. Learn to forgive yourself and move on to build a better and brighter future. Realize that you can change your thought process no matter how long you have been set in your negative or cynical ways. Be proud of what you have created and accomplished. Do not be afraid to have ambition. Accept yourself for your imperfections and know that even though you aren’t the best at something, you can still be proud of yourself. 

You will attract others when you exude confidence and self-love. Do not seek happiness for it is not a destination that you will all of a sudden arrive at. Believe in yourself, know that discovering yourself is not a quick process. Enjoy life and the rest will fall into place. 

(Abs)olute Genetics

“Omg what do you do for abs? How do you get a flat stomach? How many days a week do you work core?”

Everyone shut up already.

First off, I don’t mean for this to come off cocky at all because I really don’t have legitimate abs in any sense but that’s really besides the point. I have a genetically flat stomach, always have. Other people have naturally small legs, or extra defined arms, or maybe even big teeth or ridged nail beds. There are so many things that make up the structure of our bodies that we are born with that we really have absolutely no control over. Yes, I could gain 20 pounds and my upper thighs would blow up to the size of Jupiter but my stomach, it really wouldn’t change too much. Yes, I get bloated and sometimes can look like a pregnant woman, but my stomach remains pretty flat. I’ve always been complimented on how great of a stomach I have but I have never really taken it as something I am really proud of, because I haven’t worked for it. Why is that? Just because we were born with something doesn’t mean that it’s something we can’t be appreicative of. It doesn’t mean that we can’t take pride in our looks just because we were born like this. It’s always been my instinct to try and deflect any and all compliments so I would always say “no, it’s always been like this” when someone would say how nice of a stomach I had. I should really just say “thank you.”

The other thing about genetics is that you need to keep them in mind while looking at everyone else in the world. Yes, I preach time and time again about not comparing yourself to others, celebrities and friends alike, but sometimes it’s impossible not to let it cross your mind. So I’m not trying to demean anyone’s hard work because I know many people have gone from extremely overweight to having an amazing body and they worked their asses off for it, but there are some others who really were just born a certain way. Asking another person to tell you exactly what they do for their abs, thinking that you are going to be able to look JUST like them if you imitate their routine is completely asinine. You don’t know everyone’s background and you are your own person. You have your own body, your own metabolism, and your own abilities that you should be proud of. Stop picking yourself apart for the things you hate about your genetics and start appreciating what you’re lucky to have. Be proud of your quickly growing upper body strength, or your skinny legs, or your flat stomach and don’t immediately jump to the “they’re/it’s just like this” when someone complements you on your body. Your body is your own to love and accept so even if you were “just born with it,” that doesn’t make it any less special or unique- just remember that EVERYONE is special and unique.

 

So if you want to listen to the “10 ways to get a flat stomach” that you find on the internet and not eat any carbohydrates after 4:00pm and do crunches and planks until you’re blue in the face then be my guest, but just know that genetics plays a significant role in body composition and there is more to life than having a flat stomach (and you can’t spot reduce but that’s besides the point). If you have a little pooch that you think will go away if you go to extremes of dieting and exercise, stop and think. Is it really worth it to starve yourself or exhaust yourself to get rid of a minimal pouch of fat in your lower belly? Is it worth it to hate a part of your body so much that you will do anything and everything to get it away? Or would it be better to just embrace it, make it your friend, and live a balanced and healthy life realizing everything else that is great about you. Be proud of your body. Why are abs the first thing people look for anyway? Everyone always wants abs or is jealous of someone’s abs or close to getting abs. So what? Abs don’t measure progress. Your stomach changes based on so many factors- bloat, food intake, time of day, water consumption, etc. So if you have abs, awesome, but if you don’t, don’t think any less of yourself. Base your progress off how you feel mentally and your accomplishments and how far you’ve come on your own personal journey, not on abs please.

Do you remember who you really are?

Discovering who I really am is my ultimate goal. This summer, with the help of my family and my new wonderful therapist, I have realized that ever since I can remember I have been so afraid to show the world my true self and express my opinions. I have always been the follower, the second-in-command, the “easy-going” one among my group of friends, or the submissive person in a relationship. Ever since preschool, my best friend at every different stage of my life has been an extremely decisive, headstrong, opinionated and judgmental person. I never was able to decide anything, from what game we were going to play to what restaurant we were going to eat at because I was always shot down. I learned to keep my opinions to myself and just go with what the other person wanted to do to avoid conflict, because fighting about the little things wasn’t worth it, right? I never chose if I wanted to be the mom or the baby when we would play house because I was simply “assigned” a role and was compliant. As stupid as that may sound, little things like that really add up. I have lost sight of my real desires and interests because my entire life has been focused on pleasing others, making sure to not cause any problems, and learning how to be successful in friendships always resulted in giving up what I wanted to do to for others. I mean, you don’t want to be selfish, right? I took this to the extreme and attributed any assertion of my own opinion as being selfish and having a negative connotation. I continued to always take the easy way out, never wanting to start an argument or be involved with drama, so I just “yessed people to death” and became a slave to my friends. Yes, I did have great friendships with people throughout my school years but I would do anything for anyone. Someone needed someone to drive them an hour away to pick up a special piece of rock that they’ve always wanted and dreamed of but didn’t have a car to take them there? Yup, I would do it. I would go to places I didn’t like to eat, or parties I felt so uncomfortable at because my friend begged me to go with her. I pretended to like different TV shows, colors, clothes, music styles, you name it so that another person would feel a connection with me and bond with me over something. How the hell can you truly form a relationship with someone if it is based off of lies? Yes, they were my own harmless lies but they still did not even know who I was. No one knew me. I didn’t even know me. I wanted to be liked by everyone because I feared judgment from others more than anything in the world. I have always felt that I needed to conform to society so that people would like me, so that I would fit in, so I wouldn’t stand out as the “odd” one because of my extremely low self-confidence and people-pleasing tendencies. In that process, I lost me.

I’ve never felt pride in my talents, intelligence or abilities because I have always been ashamed of myself. I have never formed opinions or picked favorites for the fear of “disappointing” others. Is anyone really not going to like me anymore because my favorite movie is different than theirs? Am I going to be ostracized from society or rejected by all of my friends because I have not seen a show they have all watched? I have never been truly confident enough in my interests to embrace them as my own. What I’ve realized, pardon my language, is who the fuck cares? So what if my taste is different than theirs? Or if I tap dance? Or if I enjoy lifting and eating healthy? Or if I’ve struggled with an ED for the past 3-4 years? Or if I’m actually weird as fuck? (hint: I am) I have given up so much because of the fear of not being accepted but who I became in that process, I don’t accept. Yeah, this may sound pathetic to some of you who have always been able to be yourselves but this is the hell that I’ve trapped myself in for 20 years. Why I have consumed myself with the thoughts of others over every single one of my actions is beyond me. I stopped performing in plays because I didn’t want anyone to find out. I never told anyone of my friends to come to my soccer games or dance recitals. I would hide artwork I drew so no one could comment on it. I hate when my papers were chosen to be read aloud or displayed in class. I used to take voice lessons because I enjoyed singing. Every single Tuesday at 6 o’clock when I would go to my voice teacher’s house I would lie to my friends about where I was going so no one would know. I was scared that if they knew that I sang or even liked to sing, they would either make fun of me, or ask me to perform for them. Of course, I didn’t believe that I was actually good at it (like everything else I did) so I hid this so that I wouldn’t have to shy away with performance anxiety or deal with their laughing or harsh comments if I actually sang for them. I was terrified of people thinking that I wasn’t good enough, so I taught myself to believe that I actually wasn’t good enough so I wouldn’t be disappointed by their reactions that I never even allowed myself to endure.

You know, the phrase “expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed” is bullshit. Why should you ever expect nothing from the people that supposedly care about you? If you truly are passionate about something- a talent that you have, an interest you are knowledgeable about, or a path you wish to pursue- you should expect people to react to that. Show yourself off to the world because you are the only version of you out there. If you assume that no one is ever going to react in a good way, and you don’t expect any positive feedback from something you are truly proud of yourself for, you are just going to tear yourself down. I’m not saying to go flaunting yourself everywhere and expect everyone to applaud your every move, but there is always a balance. Take pride in your abilities and yourself. I look up to the people who can show off their confidence to the world without looking standoffish. I think that is the most amazing trait.

I am now in the process of changing my ways and my mindset. I know that am who I am and I cannot constantly be concerned anymore about whether people will like me or make fun of me behind my back. WHO CARES? I don’t need those people in my life anyway. I need to learn that having a differing opinion or hobby is not the end of the world. It makes me unique and interesting and an individual. I will no longer pretend to be anyone that I’m not. I will from here on out be me, no one else. I encourage everyone else at there who might relate to this in any way to do the same. Coming from a girl who can’t even tell you what her favorite things are anymore, I urge you to do what’s best for you always. Yes, I still think you should take into account what other people want and their feelings, but do not make their choices your priorities. Express your opinions, be proud of your accomplishments, and own your life.

Fats Fats Fats and More Fats

“Fats are like, proven to make you fat, right? I mean it’s in the name, so they have to make you fat, right? Everyone says that low-fat or non-fat products are better for you. Avoid all fat at all times because it’s not good for you. Don’t eat too many almonds because they have so much fat in them.”

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE? 

I’m not one to judge people who think this way because they are 1) brainwashed by the media and all the products out there now that are advertising the poop out of the “low fat” air that they are selling that is PROVEN to help you lose weight and 2) it’s word of mouth and without proper research or personal experimentation, people are always willing to believe what the first person tells them. Once upon a time, I used to think that all fats were bad too. I would avoid anything that had fat in it at all costs because it had “so many calories” and “too much fat” that I thought it would make me gain the weight that I continued to want to lose. This was of course in the thick of my eating disorder so it’s safe to say that my mind was not thinking properly and I was blinded by the idea of wanting to be skinny, sacrificing my mental and physical health in order to do so. Not to mention, not all non-fat or low-fat products are good for you. In fact, most of them are much higher in sugar or contain many other artificial ingredients that are harmful to your body. So that’s no good either….

Even at the start of my recovery in January of this year I would see girls I followed on Instagram eating 2 tablespoons of nut butter in a day and I would think, “I will never be able to eat 2 WHOLE tablespoons of peanut butter in ONE day!!!! That’s so many of my calories and so many grams of fat. How do they do that?” I bought my first jar of peanut butter in my entire life 7 months ago (well, my mom actually forced me to buy it because she said I “needed it” obviously because I weighed -9 pounds) and it sat on my shelf for a while. I would take a spoonful here and there but was so scared to add it to an actual meal– peanut butter AND oats sounded like the end of the world when reintroducing all this food back into my diet. I didn’t even realize that the excess protein I was consuming to make up for my lack of carbs and fats was actually turning into fat as it metabolized, but that’s another story. I began to fall into the peanut butter “craze” and bought/ordered a few tubs of it because that’s what everyone was doing. Since I was in a vulnerable state I still felt the need to follow others in this process because I felt lost. I did use it here and there and definitely enjoyed it but couldn’t really enjoy without feeling guilty.

The peanut butters in all the delicious flavors taunted me with their high calories and as I was finally coming around to using it more often, the worst happened to me- I binged on it. All of it. And it was gone before I knew it and I seriously gained a decent amount of weight. When something becomes a binge food for me, it is almost impossible to reintroduce back into my life until I have gained the mental strength to be able to buy in a large package again. I stopped eating it altogether for a bit and then began to buy a few single serving packets once in a while because that’s just about all I could handle.

As I began to experiment with macro ratios this summer, I decided to increase my fat intake to see how my body reacted to higher fat and lower carb. I had already become more comfortable with avocados, raw coconut and PowerCrunch, Kind or ThinkThin Crunch bars (all of which have higher fat contents) but was still hesitant when it came to plain almonds, other nuts and nut butters because of past experiences. I decided to buy the single serving nut butter packets and the 100 calorie pack almonds more and more often as my body was feeling better and better from the fats. After 2 months of single serving packets, I felt strong enough to open up my first full jar of nut butter since the binge. I also had tested myself with a jar of Better N Peanutbutter (which I HIGHLY recommend to everyone as well) which had also been a previous binge food. I passed my own test and I am proud to say that I have survived and am pacing myself through the jar of that and my Sesame Cranberry Wild Friends, with absolutely no urges to binge. So I ordered another jar. And another one. Feeling good about having open containers of something I used to binge on is such an amazing feeling I cannot even describe it. 

As amazing as I feel mentally about this increase in fats and control over my actions regarding that, the PHYSICAL benefits for my body (because everything is personal) with a higher fat intake are innumerable. My hair used to fall out by the pound in the shower, I didn’t have my period, my skin was so dry and lackluster, my nails were breaking left and right and I felt tired and extra bloated all the time. With this increase in fats, my nails and skin have a new shine to them, my hair is slowly repairing itself and growing out all the broken ends, and mother nature is able to bring her lovely gift to me every month so I can produce young babes in the future 😉 I am no longer constantly bloated and I am loving the benefits of the tasty food as well.

My main sources of fat are:

– peanut/almond/hazelnut/coconut butter

– roasted coconut chips (Trader Joe’s)

– cinnamon or cocoa roasted almonds

– cashews

– PowerCrunch bars, Kind bars, ThinkThin Crunch bars

– coconut oil and olive oil 

– EGG YOLKS (this one is exciting because they are so delicious) 

– avocados (guac guac guac) 

– 2% cottage cheese (much better than 1% or 0%)

– peanut butter cups (because love) 

I am currently eating about triple the amount of fats that I was eating 7 months ago and I could not be happier. Do not be afraid to increase different macronutrients ratios and see what your body responds well to. Your body is special and you CANNOT base it off of what works for others because we all have different metabolisms and we all have different reactions to foods. Do not be afraid to do your own research about things rather than just listening blindly to others. People are wrong a majority of the time. Do you. Be you. Love you. 

The Power of the Plus Sign

 

Ever since I can remember, I have always been a cynical person. I think it goes along with my sarcastic nature that developed as a defense mechanism for my self-consciousness that also started at a young age. No matter the situation, my mind would immediately gravitate towards the negative side. Someone told me that I was “perfect” in first grade and I cried because I assumed they were making fun of me. Nothing I ever did was good enough- no grade I achieved, accomplishment I completed, goal I reached or even complement I received. In middle school I was complemented by family members for being so “humble” when they would tell me how beautiful I looked or how well I was doing in school and I would reply with a “no way” or an eye roll and a “yeah, right” in a sardonic tone. Someone would say I looked good in a picture and I would immediately attribute it to the lighting, or point out how bad my hair looked and others would say “oh, you are so silly! You don’t recognize your own beauty!” This was the innocent stage of my denial. It wasn’t until high school that my immediate family became extremely annoyed with my attitude and concerned with my corresponding behaviors.

 I was always miserable. No matter what was going on, I would never be truly excited because I would be thinking about all the cons to the situation. I couldn’t even believe in myself anymore because I had chipped away at my own self-confidence year after year, tearing myself down with self-criticism and hate and truly believing that I was worthless. My mother would yell at me and become agitated when I would overshadow her cheerful, optimistic nature with a dark cloud of despair. Her and my dad told me time and time again that they wanted to leave me home when they went out as a family on the weekends because I would just bring them down. They explained that I was horrible to be with and they couldn’t stand it anymore. In high school I simply would take their criticisms and expand upon them in my own mind. Thoughts such as “my family hates me” “they don’t want anything to do with me because they are so inconsiderate of my depression” and “I don’t want to go out with them anyway” would run through my head and I continued to plunge down this downward spiral. Little did I know that I truly was not fun to be around, because who wants to be with someone who is so unpleasant, rude and vocally pessimistic.

My depression and negative thoughts manifested in my eating disorder. Whether it was binging and purging to try and cover up the cynicism and cathartically expunge it from my system or if it was restricting to try and isolate myself from society as a whole so I did not have to encounter all of the things that brought me down, I was constantly left alone with my own negative, destructive thoughts. Not spending time with family and friends just made it worse for me and as my eating disorder got stronger, I got weaker. I weakened in the sense that all of my thoughts were so negative that I had no ambition and no clue what made me happy if asked the question. I would answer this inquiry with “nothing” or “I don’t know” and that was the biggest issue. I could not think of one thing in my daily or past life that brought me true joy. What kind of life is that?

Although I officially began my recovery from my eating disorders a little less than 7 months ago, it was not until recently that I discovered the true power of positivity. I have always heard stories about how “thinking positive thoughts can change someone’s life” or how “self-love is the key to true happiness” but as the cynical, pessimist that I was, I believed this to be complete and utter bullshit. I thought that these people were all lying about their change of heart to try and persuade others that it could really work. I never thought that it would work for me because I have always be negative- how could that ever change? Why did I think this? Because god forbid I ever thought to see the best in people and come to the realization that not every living being is inherently evil (hence why I always related to Thomas Hobbes’ theories LOL).

A few months ago, while still at college, I created a “happiness jar.” I decided that at the end of each day, no matter if it were a good or a bad day, I would sit down right before bed and, on little pieces of paper, reflect and write a few positive aspects about the previous day. The first few days I was convinced that this wasn’t going to work (of course) and that it was a dumb idea. As the days went on, however, I found myself using more and more little pieces of paper each night and smiling slightly as I reminisced on the memories of the brief positive moments I experienced. This was a great exercise to kick start my journey to recovery but it still did not fix my attitude in the present towards these moments. It was only after the fact that I could recognize that there were positive parts of my day- but this realization triggered a determination to change my ways of thinking.

Upon arriving home from school in the beginning of May, I set a goal for myself to change my attitude. As a normally impatient person who seeks immediate results, I had to strongly convince myself that I was not going to have an epiphany overnight and suddenly look at the world like a bubbly, peppy optimist. Honestly, this will never be me, but that attitude is not what I strive for. I have made myself as conscious as I can about my individual thoughts of other people, different situations, aspects of my day and most importantly, myself. Every time a negative thought comes up in my head, I try and counter it with a positive one or even two. Believe me this is more time consuming than you think when almost all of your thoughts are negative, but they say practice makes perfect. Slowly now, I find myself, without effort, thinking more positively in general about many different things, even including my own self. I have learned to uncover the good in every situation although it may not be predominant. I have learned to take complements without immediately firing a counterargument for why they are “wrong” but most importantly, I have learned to believe these complements are genuine.

I used to try and convince myself that I was a “realist.” But I know now that a realist sees both the good and the bad in every situation and then has a choice to make: which one should that person choose to believe today? Words of wisdom: choose the positive but acknowledge the negative. There will always be negativity in the world and it should not be ignored but it should not consume you. I cannot say that I am always a positive person now because I am working on improving this day in and day out, but I am definitely much better off. Yes, I still have days where I criticize myself. But I can now turn these days around by changing my thought process- telling myself something good or how I can work to improve what might be negative. You cannot control the outcome of everything in life and you have no way of knowing how things are going to turn out most of the time. The one thing you do have control over, however, is your mind and your attitude. Surround yourself with those who think positively and are not afraid to take a complement because it will rub off on you. Challenge yourself to find the diamond in the rough. See the good in others that others see in you. Most importantly, try to love yourself and eventually you truly will. Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and focus on what could go right. 

Protein Powder Reviews!

So I figured that it was time for me to publish an ongoing review of all of the protein powders that I have used and use currently and my reviews about all of them, opinions on what they go best with, recipes that I have used them in, etc. I will continue to update this list as I try more and more brands and flavors so make sure to check back when you see a new protein powder mentioned on my Instagram!

 

Cellucor Cor-Performance: Overall, the texture of Cellucor Cor-Performance is just about average for a protein powder. It is definitely not too thin or too thick and the whey does not add too much of a protein-y texture to whatever food you add it to, if added in the proper amounts. The flavors are always on point and very true to form, closely resembling what they claim to be flavored as. There are also minimal fat and carbs.

– Cinnamon Swirl Whey: The most versatile of all protein powders that I have had to date. The cinnamon swirl flavor goes just about good with everything. Since the flavor is not too strong, you can use it in pretty much anything from proyo to waffles to icing (just mix with almond milk!). It adds the perfect cinnamon flavor to whatever you are using it in and I really did not get sick of it. Very good flavor, highly recommend.

– Cor-fetti Whey: I think that everybody who follows me on Instagram knows that cor-fetti has been like a child to me the entire time that I have had this protein. I have used this in yogurt, shakes, waffles, pancakes, oatmeal, mugcakes, dipping sauce, icing, blondies etc. You name it, I’ve probably done it. I am highly addicted to anything cake batter and fun-fetti so I knew that this was going to be a winner for me. Some people argue that it is too sweet for them, but 1. I love sweet things and 2. I tend to crave sweets a ton so this is really helpful for me to satisfy that craving. My favorite thing to do with cor-fetti is make mugcakes with a chocolate drizzle on top or make icing that goes perfectly with a broiled cookie dough questbar! Or if you have extra time, make chickpea blondies with the cor-fetti and they are AMAZING (recipe below on my blog)!

– S’mores Whey: Well, to preface my review of this flavor I have been waiting for Cellucor to finally come out with the s’mores flavor ever since Karina Baymiller (aka my idol and inspiration) revealed that this was the flavor that she wanted Cellucor to come out with for her. Needless to say I was ecstatic when this finally came out and it sure lived up to its potential. The whey had little crunchy chunks of graham cracker and mini marshmallows built into the powder and when mixed with greek yogurt especially, you can taste the individual chocolate, graham cracker and marshmallow flavors if you get the chunks in the scoop. The base flavor tastes like a lighter chocolate and is great for a nightly proyo topped with chocolate nut butter!

– Red Velvet Cake Batter Whey: This flavor smells like pure delicious vanilla icing which is one of my all-time favorite pre-ED foods (if you count icing as a food?). I have tried this whey in waffles/pancakes and in oatmeal and although it is very delicious in the waffle/pancake recipe (posted somewhere below on my blog) it is TO DIE FOR when mixed with oats! Seriously, it tastes like you are eating a thick bowl of red velvet cake batter if you let your oats sit and thicken up long enough. Highly suggest eating these oats with sliced banana, sprinkles and white chocolate nut butter of any kind!

 

Optimum Nutrition:

– Vanilla Ice Cream Whey: This brand of whey is very thick, which makes it ideal for using in pancake and waffle batter but not necessarily for making an icing or simply in plain yogurt. Although it is still very possible to use this whey for proyo, I did not find it to be a satisfying enough or strong enough flavor by itself. It did not really give off the “ice cream” taste and kind of tasted like a very simple vanilla. There was no aftertaste to the protein and it worked very well for baking fluffy, delicious vanilla muffins!

– Chocolate Supreme Casein: This flavor was my favorite for making my nightly proyo for a long time this year! With a little added dark chocolate cocoa powder, greek yogurt, almond milk and stevia this was the perfect night snack frozen for about an hour at night! Adding all the sweet fix-ins or adding some fruit makes for the ideal substitute for ice cream or froyo or whatever you usually would crave at nighttime. It also works really well in a simple, fudgy mugcake recipe that I use! This was a really good flavor and I highly recommend buying!

– Cookie Dough Casein: The cookie dough casein was really great for the first 10 times that I used it in my nightly proyo but then I got really really sick of the flavor. Its super sweet and kinda tastes like cookie dough for the first few bites but then the flavor kind of gets sickening and makes me want to vomit a little bit. SO if you’re planning on buying this flavor buy a smaller amount of it because personally, I got really sick of it.

 

Designer Whey: This brand is very very thin which makes it much more difficult to use because it tends to not mix as well with milk or in cooking/baking batters but works well in oatmeal and in greek yogurt. There are no artificial sweeteners or flavorings and it is low fat and low carb as well.

– White Chocolate Whey: This flavor did not really taste at all like white chocolate. Overall, it was just a semi-sweet addition to whatever you added it to and there was no white chocolate flavor at all. It was actually pretty disappointing because although white chocolate is my second favorite chocolate (dark chocolate is #1), I like the flavor a lot in certain breakfast treats and this was lacking the flavor entirely.

– French Vanilla Whey: The french vanilla is mediocre in flavor and in consistency. It has a much more pronounced vanilla flavor than the white chocolate but that really isn’t saying much. This whey is very difficult to mix into pancake batter because it does not thicken up the batter at all really, so it makes for extremely runny pancakes that run right off your griddle or all over the frying pan. However, because of its thinness, it works well for mixing into shakes or smoothies.

 

Other:

– Clean Science PB&J Whey: This whey has an interesting flavor. The peanut butter and jelly combination of flavors for a whey was an interesting choice and I was very hesitant to try it but when I did, I really could only taste the peanut butter component with a tiny tiny hint of fruitiness. This whey is very average and I would not say the flavor compares to the Cellucor in the slightest but it is much more flavorful than the Designer Whey.

– NutriForce Sports Belgian Chocolate Whey* NEW: This was easily one of the best flavors that I have ever tried because it is so true to it’s advertised taste. Although it’s a little higher in calories than the other whey proteins I usually use (170 per scoop), there are 23g of protein and only 7g carbs per one scoop– and the one scoop you get is a pretty big, generous scoop! There are real chocolate pieces inside, as shown on the outside of the tub, which makes it amazing for blending up smoothies with fruit and “ice cream” or anything else you make with it really. The smell and the taste are the most true to life chocolate flavor in a protein that I have ever experienced and as a true chocolate lover, I highly recommend this stuff to really curb those chocolate cravings. This has the richest flavor because it has the best ingredients (best meaning the least in this case). Literally all that is in this is dark chocolate curls, sucrose, cocoa, natural flavors and stevia and voila– AMAZINGNESS. There are absolutely no artificial sweeteners, colors or flavors and as I am trying to clean up my diet with respect to supplements, this is the way to do it. I highly recommend buying this for any chocolate obsessors out there as I pretty much make a smoothie with this stuff every single day of my life. ALSO, for those of you who usually have disgestion problems with whey, I experience these too but not with this brand! That was another huge plus for me and my tummy 🙂

My Emotional Standstill

“I am not afraid of my truth anymore and I will not omit pieces of me to make you comfortable.”

---

 

Ever since the summer before my sophomore year of high school when I lost my virginity to a boy who at the time, couldn’t seem to give a care in the world about me when all I wanted was to give him everything, I always tell people that I have “no emotions.” Is that really possible? Can a person become so numb to their surroundings that they don’t even feel anymore or is it just such a deep suppression of what we really feel that it appears to the outside world that we are carefree and easygoing while inside we are dying? I’m going to have to go with the second one. At the onset of the thick of my eating disorder, conveniently timed with the loss of my virginity and in turn, my emotions, I refused to feel anything towards anyone due to a serious fear of rejection, non-reciprocation of feelings and a boatload full of trust issues. I have never been a person who easily lets people in, or even lets people in at all. I bottle everything up, refused to let people know when I’m not okay, will never put my problems above the issues of others and will never ask you for a favor, even something as simple as borrowing a dollar. I constantly feel that I am a burden on others and that nothing I could need would be at all significant compared to someone else. I have never felt that I was good enough for someone to genuinely do me a favor without thinking “wow I cannot believe that she is asking me to do this, she is so needy…etc.” The guilty, anxious thoughts flow through my head every single time I even have to ask my roommate if she could pick me up an extra bar of soap from the store. Because of my inability to show my emotion, I of course would never even let anyone know how much this bothers me, how big of a pit I get in my stomach before I ask someone for something, or how much time it takes me to even convince myself to ask. If I admitted this, it would show weakness. Was I weak? Maybe. Did I ever dare to admit that to myself or even show the slightest sign of faltering in a world where everyone thought I had my life perfectly together? No.

 

Recovery has taught me that I had never really lost my ability to feel, but I convinced myself so often that MY emotions did not matter and that MY feelings were not as important as others that I didn’t allow myself to feel. Yes, I do have feelings and yes, in fact, once in a blue moon I actually do cry despite popular belief. My feelings were just so often so negative and depressed that sharing them with anyone would let them in to the deep, dark, depths of my destructive thoughts of my messed up brain and they would know that I wasn’t really as “fine” or “okay” as I always claimed. This scared the shit out of me. But over the past month, identifying the causes and triggers of these terrible feelings and emotions that have lurked inside me and brought me down for so many years has helped me to start on a better path. I have opened up to a select few group of people about my feelings and being more honest with others is helping me be more honest with myself. I no longer harp on mistakes that I make, things that others have done to hurt me, trusts that have been broken and boys that have just stopped talking to me out of no where. Although I am not happy, I can say that I am no longer in a permanent state of sadness and depression. I am in a very stagnant emotional state where I am comfortable; nothing really excites me to an extreme but nothing weakens me to an extreme either. In my mind, I would say that this is progress- a stepping stone in my way of thinking and a step closer to a happier, more optimistic life where it’s okay to cry, have feelings, burden others with your problems and even ask people to borrow something. I need to believe that I deserve to be repaid for all the times that I have dropped everything to help a friend, or stayed up talking to someone about a trivial issue of theirs until 6:30AM the night before I have a test or gone out of my way to make someone’s day that much better. I need to believe that people really do want to hangout with me and that I’m not just a nuisance all the time. I need to believe that people will love me for who I am and that I, too, should love and appreciate myself for who I am. 

I am not my anorexia.

At my school this semester, they brought in a photographer working on something called the “What I Be Project.” He advertised to the entire campus and explained that you would sit in a room with him and talk about yourself and your greatest insecurities for 45 minutes, he would then come up with a phrase summing up what you explained, write it on your body, take a photo and post it on Facebook for all the world to see with the caption reading “I am not my _______” [insert insecurity here]. Upon reading this description I immediately dismissed my participation as a possibility, as I have always been an extremely guarded and closed-off person, and I could never even tell me bestfriend what was going on with me, let alone fathom advertising my greatest insecurity to the entire world of Facebook. I could never let myself be that vulnerable. As the pictures began to come out on social media, however, I found myself so unbelievably moved by the messages that people were spreading and the bravery and courage that emanated from each of the participants that I gave it a second thought. Why can’t I do this? Why couldn’t I be brave enough to just own my eating disorder instead of having to hide it from the rest of the world? Was I really even living my own life when I felt that I couldn’t ever be my whole self because I was afraid I was not going to be accepted by others?

 

To make a long story short, I spoke to the photographer and told him my story and he said that I “sure as hell shouldn’t keep this a secret anymore” because I was “too beautiful and strong to be confined by this mentality.” So…I did it. The moment that my picture came up on my Facebook newsfeed my heart dropped into my stomach because at that point, my two lives merged into one. This is what I posted:

 

I am more than my disorder. 

“I had no idea.” That was the theme of this year’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and I’m sure those are also going to be first four words out of everyone’s mouth. This was probably my best kept secret throughout the years. I’ve never let anyone in, I would do anything to not let myself feel vulnerable, and I have always kept a thick enough wall up around me toprotect myself. I have heard countless comments from friends and peers about people being “too skinny” or “too fat.” People throw around the term “anorexic” like it’s just a casual choice someone makes when they “don’t want to eat.” I bite my tongue and fake a smile when people make these jokes about such serious topics, because I couldn’t imagine them knowing that I was a victim of this disorder, and these ignorances are what ultimately led to my double life.

Thanks to the encouragement, support and inspiration from Ganesh Photography and everyone who was brave enough to participate in this project, I am letting myself become vulnerable to a world that I have been terrified to ever truly live in. I have never been comfortable in my own skin and because of my severe insecurities, I have created a barrier around myself shielding me from the world. I’ve gone to extreme measures to appear “happy” through my appearance and I cannot live like this any longer. I cannot constantly compare myself to the unattainably perfect standards that society has put forward for us to maintain. I am flawed. Accept me for who I am, the struggles that I have faced, the demons that I have overcome, and the battles that I fight every minute of every day. I will no longer be a victim to the voices in my head constantly telling me that I am not good enough, that I could be smarter, skinner, prettier, better. I am who I am and I am enough.

To every girl out there who can relate to this even slightly, I say this to you: you are more beautiful than you will ever know. No matter what you think you see in the mirror, you are worth it. You deserve unlimited happiness. You are a unique individual and you should see just how incredible that is. Love and accept yourself for who you are at this very moment. Treat yourself and your body right because you deserve it. Live ONE life and don’t be afraid to be your true self. We will fight this, and we will win.

Immediately after the photo went “live” I received an enormous amount of support from family and friends, people I haven’t spoken to in years, and people that I had never met. I was nervous that people were going to judge me, not want to talk to me anymore, treat me differently and in reality, none of that was true. Even if there were people who had a negative reaction, why would I want them in my life in the first place? I am so thankful for all of the acceptance, love and reinforcement that I received from everyone and I know that this was a huge step in my recovery and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and I am realizing over time that I deserve to live a “normal” life as much as the next person. I am not my disorder and I am so much stronger than who I have been in the past.