Discovering who I really am is my ultimate goal. This summer, with the help of my family and my new wonderful therapist, I have realized that ever since I can remember I have been so afraid to show the world my true self and express my opinions. I have always been the follower, the second-in-command, the “easy-going” one among my group of friends, or the submissive person in a relationship. Ever since preschool, my best friend at every different stage of my life has been an extremely decisive, headstrong, opinionated and judgmental person. I never was able to decide anything, from what game we were going to play to what restaurant we were going to eat at because I was always shot down. I learned to keep my opinions to myself and just go with what the other person wanted to do to avoid conflict, because fighting about the little things wasn’t worth it, right? I never chose if I wanted to be the mom or the baby when we would play house because I was simply “assigned” a role and was compliant. As stupid as that may sound, little things like that really add up. I have lost sight of my real desires and interests because my entire life has been focused on pleasing others, making sure to not cause any problems, and learning how to be successful in friendships always resulted in giving up what I wanted to do to for others. I mean, you don’t want to be selfish, right? I took this to the extreme and attributed any assertion of my own opinion as being selfish and having a negative connotation. I continued to always take the easy way out, never wanting to start an argument or be involved with drama, so I just “yessed people to death” and became a slave to my friends. Yes, I did have great friendships with people throughout my school years but I would do anything for anyone. Someone needed someone to drive them an hour away to pick up a special piece of rock that they’ve always wanted and dreamed of but didn’t have a car to take them there? Yup, I would do it. I would go to places I didn’t like to eat, or parties I felt so uncomfortable at because my friend begged me to go with her. I pretended to like different TV shows, colors, clothes, music styles, you name it so that another person would feel a connection with me and bond with me over something. How the hell can you truly form a relationship with someone if it is based off of lies? Yes, they were my own harmless lies but they still did not even know who I was. No one knew me. I didn’t even know me. I wanted to be liked by everyone because I feared judgment from others more than anything in the world. I have always felt that I needed to conform to society so that people would like me, so that I would fit in, so I wouldn’t stand out as the “odd” one because of my extremely low self-confidence and people-pleasing tendencies. In that process, I lost me.
I’ve never felt pride in my talents, intelligence or abilities because I have always been ashamed of myself. I have never formed opinions or picked favorites for the fear of “disappointing” others. Is anyone really not going to like me anymore because my favorite movie is different than theirs? Am I going to be ostracized from society or rejected by all of my friends because I have not seen a show they have all watched? I have never been truly confident enough in my interests to embrace them as my own. What I’ve realized, pardon my language, is who the fuck cares? So what if my taste is different than theirs? Or if I tap dance? Or if I enjoy lifting and eating healthy? Or if I’ve struggled with an ED for the past 3-4 years? Or if I’m actually weird as fuck? (hint: I am) I have given up so much because of the fear of not being accepted but who I became in that process, I don’t accept. Yeah, this may sound pathetic to some of you who have always been able to be yourselves but this is the hell that I’ve trapped myself in for 20 years. Why I have consumed myself with the thoughts of others over every single one of my actions is beyond me. I stopped performing in plays because I didn’t want anyone to find out. I never told anyone of my friends to come to my soccer games or dance recitals. I would hide artwork I drew so no one could comment on it. I hate when my papers were chosen to be read aloud or displayed in class. I used to take voice lessons because I enjoyed singing. Every single Tuesday at 6 o’clock when I would go to my voice teacher’s house I would lie to my friends about where I was going so no one would know. I was scared that if they knew that I sang or even liked to sing, they would either make fun of me, or ask me to perform for them. Of course, I didn’t believe that I was actually good at it (like everything else I did) so I hid this so that I wouldn’t have to shy away with performance anxiety or deal with their laughing or harsh comments if I actually sang for them. I was terrified of people thinking that I wasn’t good enough, so I taught myself to believe that I actually wasn’t good enough so I wouldn’t be disappointed by their reactions that I never even allowed myself to endure.
You know, the phrase “expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointed” is bullshit. Why should you ever expect nothing from the people that supposedly care about you? If you truly are passionate about something- a talent that you have, an interest you are knowledgeable about, or a path you wish to pursue- you should expect people to react to that. Show yourself off to the world because you are the only version of you out there. If you assume that no one is ever going to react in a good way, and you don’t expect any positive feedback from something you are truly proud of yourself for, you are just going to tear yourself down. I’m not saying to go flaunting yourself everywhere and expect everyone to applaud your every move, but there is always a balance. Take pride in your abilities and yourself. I look up to the people who can show off their confidence to the world without looking standoffish. I think that is the most amazing trait.
I am now in the process of changing my ways and my mindset. I know that am who I am and I cannot constantly be concerned anymore about whether people will like me or make fun of me behind my back. WHO CARES? I don’t need those people in my life anyway. I need to learn that having a differing opinion or hobby is not the end of the world. It makes me unique and interesting and an individual. I will no longer pretend to be anyone that I’m not. I will from here on out be me, no one else. I encourage everyone else at there who might relate to this in any way to do the same. Coming from a girl who can’t even tell you what her favorite things are anymore, I urge you to do what’s best for you always. Yes, I still think you should take into account what other people want and their feelings, but do not make their choices your priorities. Express your opinions, be proud of your accomplishments, and own your life.
A Girl Undefined 