Ever since I can remember, I have always been a cynical person. I think it goes along with my sarcastic nature that developed as a defense mechanism for my self-consciousness that also started at a young age. No matter the situation, my mind would immediately gravitate towards the negative side. Someone told me that I was “perfect” in first grade and I cried because I assumed they were making fun of me. Nothing I ever did was good enough- no grade I achieved, accomplishment I completed, goal I reached or even complement I received. In middle school I was complemented by family members for being so “humble” when they would tell me how beautiful I looked or how well I was doing in school and I would reply with a “no way” or an eye roll and a “yeah, right” in a sardonic tone. Someone would say I looked good in a picture and I would immediately attribute it to the lighting, or point out how bad my hair looked and others would say “oh, you are so silly! You don’t recognize your own beauty!” This was the innocent stage of my denial. It wasn’t until high school that my immediate family became extremely annoyed with my attitude and concerned with my corresponding behaviors.
I was always miserable. No matter what was going on, I would never be truly excited because I would be thinking about all the cons to the situation. I couldn’t even believe in myself anymore because I had chipped away at my own self-confidence year after year, tearing myself down with self-criticism and hate and truly believing that I was worthless. My mother would yell at me and become agitated when I would overshadow her cheerful, optimistic nature with a dark cloud of despair. Her and my dad told me time and time again that they wanted to leave me home when they went out as a family on the weekends because I would just bring them down. They explained that I was horrible to be with and they couldn’t stand it anymore. In high school I simply would take their criticisms and expand upon them in my own mind. Thoughts such as “my family hates me” “they don’t want anything to do with me because they are so inconsiderate of my depression” and “I don’t want to go out with them anyway” would run through my head and I continued to plunge down this downward spiral. Little did I know that I truly was not fun to be around, because who wants to be with someone who is so unpleasant, rude and vocally pessimistic.
My depression and negative thoughts manifested in my eating disorder. Whether it was binging and purging to try and cover up the cynicism and cathartically expunge it from my system or if it was restricting to try and isolate myself from society as a whole so I did not have to encounter all of the things that brought me down, I was constantly left alone with my own negative, destructive thoughts. Not spending time with family and friends just made it worse for me and as my eating disorder got stronger, I got weaker. I weakened in the sense that all of my thoughts were so negative that I had no ambition and no clue what made me happy if asked the question. I would answer this inquiry with “nothing” or “I don’t know” and that was the biggest issue. I could not think of one thing in my daily or past life that brought me true joy. What kind of life is that?
Although I officially began my recovery from my eating disorders a little less than 7 months ago, it was not until recently that I discovered the true power of positivity. I have always heard stories about how “thinking positive thoughts can change someone’s life” or how “self-love is the key to true happiness” but as the cynical, pessimist that I was, I believed this to be complete and utter bullshit. I thought that these people were all lying about their change of heart to try and persuade others that it could really work. I never thought that it would work for me because I have always be negative- how could that ever change? Why did I think this? Because god forbid I ever thought to see the best in people and come to the realization that not every living being is inherently evil (hence why I always related to Thomas Hobbes’ theories LOL).
A few months ago, while still at college, I created a “happiness jar.” I decided that at the end of each day, no matter if it were a good or a bad day, I would sit down right before bed and, on little pieces of paper, reflect and write a few positive aspects about the previous day. The first few days I was convinced that this wasn’t going to work (of course) and that it was a dumb idea. As the days went on, however, I found myself using more and more little pieces of paper each night and smiling slightly as I reminisced on the memories of the brief positive moments I experienced. This was a great exercise to kick start my journey to recovery but it still did not fix my attitude in the present towards these moments. It was only after the fact that I could recognize that there were positive parts of my day- but this realization triggered a determination to change my ways of thinking.
Upon arriving home from school in the beginning of May, I set a goal for myself to change my attitude. As a normally impatient person who seeks immediate results, I had to strongly convince myself that I was not going to have an epiphany overnight and suddenly look at the world like a bubbly, peppy optimist. Honestly, this will never be me, but that attitude is not what I strive for. I have made myself as conscious as I can about my individual thoughts of other people, different situations, aspects of my day and most importantly, myself. Every time a negative thought comes up in my head, I try and counter it with a positive one or even two. Believe me this is more time consuming than you think when almost all of your thoughts are negative, but they say practice makes perfect. Slowly now, I find myself, without effort, thinking more positively in general about many different things, even including my own self. I have learned to uncover the good in every situation although it may not be predominant. I have learned to take complements without immediately firing a counterargument for why they are “wrong” but most importantly, I have learned to believe these complements are genuine.
I used to try and convince myself that I was a “realist.” But I know now that a realist sees both the good and the bad in every situation and then has a choice to make: which one should that person choose to believe today? Words of wisdom: choose the positive but acknowledge the negative. There will always be negativity in the world and it should not be ignored but it should not consume you. I cannot say that I am always a positive person now because I am working on improving this day in and day out, but I am definitely much better off. Yes, I still have days where I criticize myself. But I can now turn these days around by changing my thought process- telling myself something good or how I can work to improve what might be negative. You cannot control the outcome of everything in life and you have no way of knowing how things are going to turn out most of the time. The one thing you do have control over, however, is your mind and your attitude. Surround yourself with those who think positively and are not afraid to take a complement because it will rub off on you. Challenge yourself to find the diamond in the rough. See the good in others that others see in you. Most importantly, try to love yourself and eventually you truly will. Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and focus on what could go right.
A Girl Undefined 